1. Don’t eat anything bigger than your head. Unless it’s a watermelon. Or you have a tiny head.
2. If your meal arrives through a car window via a teenager wearing a headset, don’t eat it.
3. If it comes in an exciting range of fluorescent colours, don’t eat it.
4. Don’t confuse the marketing on the front (of the pack) with the nutritional information in the teeny-tiny box on the back.
5. Nobody accidentally eats cake. Own your choices and your behaviours.
6. Calories consumed in secret count. Your friends might not know but your arse will.
7. If dieting was an effective way to lose weight permanently, nobody would ever diet twice.
8. Don’t confuse ‘what your head wants’ with what your body needs. Your mind is a lying bitch.
9. If the ingredient list is full of weird-sounding numbers and words ending in ‘ose’, throw it away.
10. If you haven’t had a poo since June, maybe cut back on the processed food. And try a little fibre. Just saying.
11. If it comes with orange-coloured cheese, throw it away.
12. Most cereals are shit. Avoid them. Unless you want diabetes by Friday.
13. Amazingly, following a generic eating plan from a magazine is not your best bet.
14. If food is your lover, you need to get out more.
15. If you’re considering taking your kids to McDonalds for a treat, punch yourself in the face.